The Rites of Spring

It’s Spring in Wisconsin, but today we had 20 mph winds and a 25 degree wind chill with snow showers. A day like today fits the mood: unpredictable, biting and indiscriminate. Two days ago the sun shone and the temperature reached the high 60’s. It was sparkly, crystal-clear, warm.

Our street is noisy on most mornings of the school year with the chatter of children waiting for the school bus to take them to the schools half a block away from my front door. Even on the coldest days they are out climbing snow banks, dancing to keep warm. I watch them from my writing desk, they and the stream of yellow buses going by, shadows of kids in all the windows, keep me company.

Now, the street is silent. Schools are closed, the sign outside the high school reads: Warriors, we hope to see you soon! The streets in town, as everywhere, are very quiet but for an occasional walker, bicycle, or passing car.

Yet one creature that seems immune to the pall of dread over everything is the certain breed of young man they grow here in the upper Midwest who, on those summery days like the one earlier this week, try to make as much noise as possible. They have abandoned their snowmobiles and roar by at odd moments, breaking the silence, in their ATV’s or souped-up testosterone-detailed diesel pick-ups. The guttural explosions of these vehicles replace the more familiar groan of the school buses and chatter of the children.

These boys remind me of the male pigeons who can also be seen this time of year strutting their stuff, both obscene and silly at once, for the females. What comes to mind for me when one of these vehicles blasts down the otherwise empty street, one of the many empty streets of town, by empty stores and restaurants and schools, is a weird vision: an abandoned state fairgrounds or amusement park on a sunny summer day, no visitors, no one running the rides or making cotton candy, no smells of hundreds of hand-held food items. Or maybe there would be one ride going, the tilt-a-whirl, let’s say, without any passengers. Then out of nowhere comes a twenty-something in a T-shirt, barreling through Food Avenue in his truck with an air of reckless pride and showmanship. No one to notice him.

It’s not that I begrudge them their fun, although the noise they make grates on me. It’s that their Spring ritual is playing out in what feels like the movie set for a ghastly horror film. Jack Gilbert says that we are meant to go on with life even with all the suffering around us all the time. That it is disrespectful of the sufferer for us not to engage with the world. I tended to agree with him before this, but now, I’m finding the suffering almost too much to bear.

My mother, Marjorie, 98, enjoying an orange, blissfully unaware of the fear

When I called my mother yesterday, she was eating an orange.

Last time you called I think I was eating an orange, too, wasn’ t I? I love oranges, you don’t love oranges?

She loves to asks questions in the negative. Then she always asks about the weather. Hers is always great, no complaints.

I talk about the virus, about New York.

I don’t peel them, either, she says. Do you peel them? A lot of people peel them, but I don’t. I love to suck out all the juice.

I’ve watched my mother eat oranges all my life. She cuts them into wedges and settles in with her teeth and lips, slurping quietly, working the teeth into the flesh.

I mention that I cannot teach anymore, because of the virus, I’m teaching over the computer. She doesn’t understand the word online.

She says, But you’re not in New York. Why can’t you teach anymore?

Then I realize that another shift has occurred in her ability to engage with the world, the world as I know it, anyway. Once an avid follower of TV news, I believe she is no longer able to hear it well enough, or follow it well enough, or perhaps, she is wise enough to choose not to do either of those things.

She has remained for me a steady and constant companion in life, if from a distance, never failing to ask about each of my children, about the weather, my job, my husband. She continues to ask, but this time, when I answer, she is reluctant to follow up, to add to the train of the conversation.

i, meanwhile, have a son in New York City, who, the hospital has more or less admitted without administering the test, has contracted the virus. My daughter lives in San Francisco. My stepson and his friends here have mild to severe cases. I am worried. I am scared.

I hear a slight slurping sound, Mmmmm. Do you peel them? I don’t peel them.

I realize that she is blissfully unaware of this threat, the magnitude, the scope of it. Or again, that she has chosen not to let it in, not to worry, at this point, who was one to worry and pray much and often, especially over us, her children, her grandchildren.

Do you eat the white stuff? I like to scrape the white part off with my teeth. I like it. I don’t know if it’s good for you or not. Do you think it’s bad?

When I eat my orange later in the day, I am more grateful for it than ever before, its bright color, its surface, both smooth and bumpy, the shock of citrus on my tongue. I allow myself the gift of this moment, to feel and taste and smell and see it in all its beauty and complexity. One moment among the many frightening ones.

And I thank Marjorie for that.

My mother says there is a creature under her bed

My mother says there is a creature under her bed. The first time she heard it the sound came from the bathroom. When she went to look, the creature’s head was poking out of the drain in the tub, the eyes glowing. Later that night when she was in bed, it showed up lying on the edge of her curved mahogany headboard. Staring at her. Again the eyes glowing. The first time she mentioned it, my heart stopped. I believed I was losing her, finally, at 98. Then she said it was a salamander. In southern Mississippi, I thought, that’s possible, so I started to breathe normally.

Last night however, when I spoke with her, the creature had changed. Now it was under the bed. She heard it sneeze.

What kind of creature could it be? It’s not clear, whether mammal or reptile, one does not imagine a sneezy salamander so then it becomes something with fur, rodent-like, I imagine, possum-like, or something from an Ursula Le Guin story.

I imagine my mother sitting in her room 1300 miles away, listening for the creature. I know she is safe where she is, physically safe, but there is no way to protect her from the wanderings of her mind. Those that may frighten her. Perhaps she is simply annoyed by the creature, or frustrated because no one else seems to see or hear it.

I tell my son who is 18, and he laughs, and I suppose it is funny, in a way. The next morning after I talk to her, while emptying the dishwasher, I hit my head on the corner cabinet, wham. It was quite painful and I started crying. I felt like a little child, crying from a fall or a bump on the head, and all I could think about as I allowed the tears to come, was how sad I felt that my mother believes there is a creature under her bed.

My oldest son says today, maybe she does she something that we can’t see. Something from another dimension. Another world. Babies and the very old are closer to their Source than we are, so, maybe he’s right. I just hope she isn’t scared.